the mentality of me

at the moment i seem to be finding myself struggling with several things:

1. the reasons behind my adoption
2. anger and depression (caused by above)
[this is not the whole list]

i will start at the beginging as it helps to explain the rest, untill abouts four/five months ago i had dthought that i was put up for adoption as baby because my birth parents were afraid theyd be unable to raise me (financial reasons) and that id shifted between abouts three foster parents in the span of three years, which is easy to except when youve "known" for all of the memory of your life, But it would seem that as have most adopted children, i had been lied to, serverly. The true story is that my uncle informed social services that his newborn grandchild was sleeping on a blancket on the floor, and is being sorely neglected, once the services had collected me and put me up for adoption i went between at least 18 diferent foster parents in three years, not three. The reason i had been shifted between so many is because no one could keep me, as in every new home i would find a small dark space and crawl into and Not come out. as such that was much the cycle of the first three yaers of my life, in the years of my life i would not renember i had lived in more homes then a whole family is in there life span. This had dramatic effects on me, iwas underdevolped physically, mentally and socially, at the age of three i may as well have still been a baby. after that i was then raised by a loving christian family ( a family om now falling away from, but thatt is for another time)

when i try and renember any of this, there is nothing, no imagery, sound, smells nothing, apart from that is a great feeling of hopelessness, despair, fear (well enough sad emotions to make a grown man commit suicicide) these depressing emoitions have driven to the point of suicide at times, somehow i always pull through. this is just one of the scars mychildhood has left me, fortanutly some are healing over. To start with i used to have absolutly no confidence in myself, my ablitys, or my social skills in particualar. this was all solved by the simple act of being myself, i decided at the end of year that i was going to come back as me, and i did, it had been a life changing summer and i came back transformed.... partially. that is when i met Kym, or mor ethat she realised who i was lol, i wont bore you with more details, when started going out she drew me into her freinds circle [keeping in mind how low my social skills where] and so from fear of disapointing her i forced myself to put on a freindly face, and eventually my confidence grew and was becoming more and more socially adept, the only problem was the huge knowledge gap, but i soon caught up :p me and kym simply became close freinds. life continued, events happened [awrkwerdnesses passed :p] Then Gcse's came, and like a moth to flame did they come. and through the storm came a nervous whisper that calmed all of this storm and captivated me, was it possible, had love come tapping upon my shoulder. a day of strolling the lands together and we were together :] and i had done the asking. Time passed by and things seemeed to get and better, but they say good things never last, and this moment came a crashing down on me, i had let myself fall prone to having too much on hand, and mind. my thoughts it seemed had got to many and were a calling my attention to that patch of black memory residing in my mind, and so here came the depresion, or so i thought, this time it seemed the darkness was filled with the rage that had secretly consumed me as a child, and now it wanted to be free, and it almost got its wish had i not in early years learnt to control my anger, although i did have to resort to hitting the wall ;p But the point it is the whole thing had shook me a bit and i got quite down but a session of x-box round toms at 1 in the morning soon sorted that out. so the emotions are dealt with for now, but at the back of mind i know it the problem needs to be addressed, ive just got work out how to do that, especially when i still dont have all the peices of the puzzle. This may take my whole life to sort out fully, but hopefully with the support of freinds i will get there :]

first thoughts ;]

what you dont realise is that the childhood i cant renember is slowy eating me away and all i can do is try and run from me, but there you stand afraid of a fly but standing tall and proud smiling before me as if theres nothing to fear, maybe its becuase you do not realise the danger in front of you or maybe its just i dont realise there is kindness in my heart and it has taken the amazingness of you to peirce the shrouds of darkness that shroud my very soul.

you do help me x