I wanna' hat -_-

Finally fixed the html, sort of :p

I interviwed some peoples today, it was somthing to for an hour, it was amusing to see thempanic, they did do quite well though and one of them managed to cope with the smart board failed, which most teachers cant seem to handle

lessons = boring
maths was just too simple, computing i finished the work abouts half hour before everybody else, nd physics id already learnt what we were doing i suppose it helped to know a bit more about it where the eqution comes from but still a rather pointless day really


its hard not too think of the confusion in my heart when i have to repeatedly walk down the couples corridor all day (theres this corridor where on every single radiator there a couple that are either snuggiling or cuddiling)

I think im going crazy!

well im finally allowed back on my blogg, stupid anti-spam program -_-

well bigest news first i suppose;
- ive decided that i need to push myself more if im ever going to achieve my dream
- 80's music is quite good actually (weird videos though)

The weekend wen by pretty unaventfully, it was quite fun at matts but Mr m was a bit of downer, he keeps getting himself down recently and uts a bit annoying as i cant seem to get him out of it :/

Mundas - i went to trade with mr tesco's this morning, everything went fine untill i went back in the after to realize id left my change at the checkout that morning D:
I went to see that ginger person, who likes to watch there hair bounce as she walks :p , after i finished college,she got poked and pushed, mwaha

memories of a bad dream.

I think theres a reason why my mind decided to block out the first three years of my life from my memory. I had a flashback type thing last night, it waas scary.

you know when get an almost primal fear, the sought that makes you stand in place or simply turn to a corner and cry, well thats the sort of feeling i had. it wasnt just what i saw that was scary it was that all the feelings of that moment came with it, for a moment i was a terrified 2 year old again.
what i saw where the warped imaginngs of a child, i was in a small space backing away from something, desperalty trying to get away but too scared to turn and run, but even in my small dark hidy hole, they tryed to get tryed to grab me and pull me away, they seemed like feersome beasts, giants with wings and claws and all manor of things that shouldnt be, it was probaerly the scariest thing a child could dream up, it frigtened me.

unforntanatly i can interprupt it due to a few facts i know.
Ive been told that i was slightly troublesm in the fact that whenether i was moved to or from a family i would simply hide in the smallest space i could find. i went between familys for three years, there at Least 18 different familys. i think what i remembered was a recuring dream i must have had, either that or thats what it felt like when they tried to move me.

It makes me wonder with all the bad feelings i get when i try to remenber something from back then, that, what other horrers has my mind simply locked away from me, is there any happyness in there?

i need to stop worying so much

i cannot run without legs

There isnt really much to say, not without sounding selfish anyway...
the thing is, i thought i was finally get my life back on track, but now ive come to a cross road and i keep wondering in circels because i have no idea of which path to take, and for some reason i feel like theres so much at stake here but i dint know why. Ive always said id be there to help, but now the time comes and im finding that theres not really a lot i can do, maybe these are things you need to get through without me, who knows, but i know im tired of having my help rejected, so im getting on with my life, im still happy to help, but its up to you to ask for it, even if its a silent request ill still understand you.

im not as strong as i used to be, so if it seems im being insensitive its because this love has brought me more tears than luaghter... and yet, i still cling to it, for the hope that theyll soon be tears of luaghter.

...

...for the first time i am truly lost for words, i doubt i could i ever truly feel your pain, but seeing things like this, makes me want to cry.

Bring it on!

Computing = D
chemistry = E
Physics = E
Maths = U

The challenge has been set, im aiming for the best and none of these are going to cut it, so lets start all over again, i said this was a new beginging so lets make it so, i might not make it but thats whats its all about, and im not going to lose, Cos now i have a desk, its not shiny and new but old broken and dented, and it will only get worse, but the scares show progress, so im going to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Ive got pen and paper and a mind thats develaping a split personality, what more do i need :]

We all like to poke

This morning was a struggle, i had planned to get the earlyer train if id managed to get out of bed, when i eventually woke up at half seven instead of six it still took me half an hour to fall out of bed, even then i misssed my train, so not a great start to the day

hm college... well my first lesson was rather pointless, we spent an hour discussing differant forms of carbon, i mean it couldve been done in 5miniuts for goodness sakes, and that was my only lesson of the day of ehich i was late for D: [oh i dont count maths workshop as a lesson as we literally just sit there talking] But all was not a loss, I auditioned for a freinds internet series, and as im the only thats auditioned for the part i should be in good sted :D

And we get are results tommorow D: time to find out how many retakes im doing :p

i sit around frustrating myself about all the tiny things, getting worked up, putting myself down, but then i remember why im acting like that, its because i cant bear to be apart from you, cant bear not to hear words for so long, but ill wait, ill wait forever for you, and its all because i love you x

new begingings

I know i dont post very often on here, but it may stop completely, ive always wanted a book of the small pocket sized awsome looking journaly type, so ima going to post a picture of it on here, as a momento to you all, for all my thoughts and ideas show from then on be held with these small book like things, and the task of activaly writing my thoughts down shall help me to process them, as typing lacks a certain charm that scruffy handwriting and doodels on the side holds.

im now taking an active role in moving to where i want to be, i had found myself in some kind of lul, almost like being in limbo, but in some form of another i have managed to escape, and am now motivated to actually start pursueing my dreams, and accomplishing my goals.

college = increased work loads, + lotsa fun memorie creating times with freinds
home is home...

life... is brilliant!

and she is the one that keeps me going through it all with a smile on my face <3