Three steps back, four steps forward

i could look at the last few months as having lost my place at college, losing my lover, losing, losing losing. But im too much of an optimist for that, so instead ill accept that yes i have lost these things but ive also gained a lot. im single, which yes can be lonely but it gives freedom to flirt and build new relationships, and im sure ill find love agian, i always do. i have gained some level of independance, i went against my parents and stayed at the occupation for a couple of days, but sadly i didnt go against them and go to the protest in london, that i regret.
im making progress in learning about myself, and im also relising that i need to take action if i ever want to be free from this place, so ive decided that if i dont get into uni, im going away from here and ill see the world.

freedom is not something to strive for, it is something we have always had

i could tell you all about my day, but i wont.

it was good, and i learnt something.

if you want to know more show some interest in me and i might just tell you

If i went to the docters they would simply i have some form of depression, but everything has its reasons and solutions, and i know mine, well at least teh reasons, and i think that atleast some of it will be resolved after christams, because ill have more information and ill be 18 so it will be easier to find them, the solutions, my real parents

WHY CAN I NEVER BE FUCKING HAPPY!!!!

What goes up must come down

my life at the moment seems as though its waiting for something to happen and untill that time its simply going to go round and round in a mundane circle. but the comes the realisation that i the circle can be easily broken and blah blah blah, this i already know all this, but what i dont get is why after breaking the monotanous circle of death i simply crash into even more depression. i went to london to fight for something i beleive in, i found hope in my futre eductaion by realising i can get to a good uni with my current course, and then i simply overeact to something and become instantanleously depressed again, maybe i have problems, well actually i know i have problems, but its going to be while before i can sort them out and i need to knwo im strong enough to get through this on my own, i have to many reasons to be hapy to be this sad
GAHHHHHH!!!! im hating myself for being so weak.

Updating the mundane'ity

ive found myself actually longing for work this week, as we have yet to even start a single assignment, and almost all of my lessons are basically repaeting knowledge i already have, e.g. first maths lesson equals recapping Basic GCSE D:
i answered each lot of questions in a matter of seconds and promptly fell asleep, the teacher is thinking about finding some different work for me :p

Im now just waiting to be given the assignments so i can actually get on with the work and get even further ahead of the class. my education seems to have gone from one extreme to the other :/ it should be plane sailing once i can actually get on with some work :]

In other news im dragging cat with us to mein grandaparents next weekend so no doubt it will be most embarrising for me :p

i need some excitment...

A door forced open

Apperently my emotions are not as in check s i thought them to be; in almost everyday life little disturbs my emotions, i am seldom stressed or depressed, and i usaully smiling but something that ws held back and locked deep inside would not be restrained.

It made me realise that are still some issues that to be dealt with concerning my adoption, afterall there is a letter to be read, a surprise to be had and parents to find, all of which shall be an emotional starin as it seems to be the one thing that truly taxes my emotions.

The letter shall be dealt with in the next week or so, the surpise comes at my 6570th day in this life and the other one... well that one might take a while

Wishes can have unexpected consequences

Another day of disorganized teachers and being tuaght things already known = sleep.
Though it looks like the electronics will be fun as we'll get to some practical work, the only part in the entire course, though i may be able to find some extra stuff to on the practical side, inbetween doing several extra units and using the climbing wall and gym. One good point about doing this course is the fact that i should be able to excel at it rather than just scraping through like i wouldve with mein A-levels, so i may get to a bettter uni than i couldve done otherwise.

near the end of the day i wshed for rain as it was quite warm and i had to cycle to the station, and the rain would be refreshing and quite enjoyable, and low and behold there was rain; if only a small shower at first but that soon changed once i gt into ely. I couldnt stop smiling on the way back o home. completly soaked racing along the road, head straight into the rain

Asking directions

Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don’t much care where.
The Cat: Then it doesn’t much matter which way you go.

Progress

Well im basically guaranteed a place at CRC now just got to go through the effort of getting my old tutor to write a reference and the pleasure of going through an interview and some rudimentary tests *yawn*
But its a second chance at getting the career ill be happy with, so im not gonna screw this one up, especially as the college seems to be filed heavily with stereotypes of the more chav like variety, so there probably wont much in the way of any social distractions and the practicality of the course will be to my benefit as i could come out of this with better grades and higher chances of uni than what was my pathetic attempt at the academic route. It will still provide me with many opportunities so whatever happens im not complaining

Things are great with cat, we got to spend almost three days together this week, wasn't exactly planned, we met up on wednesday to go a birthday party where i drunk a bit to much rum and well, ill save these story's for another time. early morning get the bus back into cambridge, get to the station to find all the trains going may are canceled because somebody was just a tad clumsy or they'd just lost the will to live, anywhooo, decided to go back to cat's instead, spent all day and night with her, wtaching movies, having romantic moments, lots of luaghs and well, a wonderfull time, i then went home abouts 2 the next day, and hopefully she'll be coming to mine in a few days :]

so all in alll, i would say that life is good

a smile is it all it takes :]

you smile when your happy, so your happy when you smile.
so smile and be happy and stop worrying about your problems, i only needed to smile to remember im not somone to let life get me down when its such a joyous ting :]
theres always hard times, but you just gotta keep walking.

sorry if it sounds like im giving myself a motivational speech but i proberly am, ah well. all i know is that whatevers going to happen will happen.


im relaxed again, so now i can sleep; goodnight people of ta interwebs

dealing with a definition of life

Its true that a half arsed attitude wont get you through A levels, unfornutly i found this out the hard way.

a defonition of life is; dealing with the unexepected things that happen to us.

i now have three options:

1. scrape my way back into college in someway, most proberly by redoing the year with some changes to the courses im doing

2. go get a vocational qualification

3. get a job

4. start my life as a traeling free loader, but i cant leave here yet, i still have commitments to look after.

i could sit here worrying about it all, but i know my options and what i would like to happen and when and what to do about it, so the rest is up to fate

at least thats what i should be saying, i guess im just a bit pu out and a litttle sad, and maybe pissed off at myelf for failing

Repition of a world in a single drop of water

I just got back from a holiday with the family, well i kinda dragged cat along too so it was quite a bit more bearable :p

We didnt really do much on this hoiday, we had the fun drive there which mostly equalled sleep. The site was tucked away in a little hidie hole at a dead end road, but we were quite litterly a stones throw from the beach, and the stones werent hard find due to the beach being made of pebbels, it was good for skimming stones though :D

We went to the arcades and and such like beach places. i went on one of those electriction machine thingys and took 30,000 volts twas a weird sensaetion to have your hands fixed in place by a mass of electricity giving your nervous system wrong signals
I whacked a lota moles on whacka mole :p
had some fun in a fun house
slid upon a giant slide
span around and around on the waltzers
and raced and bumped in the dodgems
Finished fourth in minigolf
And did some awsome flips in a ten minuit trampolining session thingy on these awsomly big tramoplines.
And there was icecream and fish and chips and all the sea sideeness you could handle
And much much bonding time with my most lovely girlfreind cat :Dx


we came home early so that we may get my results tomorow, so weve my parents all alone, i watched films with meiner schwester then felt like working out for a bit with was most unuassaul but felt good to actually be doing something for once :p






oh, and i found out my family cant even tell when theres something wrong, fortunatly cat can, as she helped me put a lid back on that little box of darkness that lurks within me.

The story of the first adventure

Germany trip = amazing
in the day we were either working towards something, simply enjoying ourselves relaxing, or just helping out

the journey there was long and tiresome, but little sleep was had because we had the most uncomfartble coch you could think of, even though you could slide the seats sideways to make room those particualy big people im guessing. though discussing quantum physics at three in the morning was quite brilliant. once we got cologne we had some time to look around and get get breakfast (i had a biiig bagle) there were hundreds of goths walking around there were really quite awsome apart from the one disturbing transvestite we saw, there was a hobo begging for money but he had a sign with his story on it for you to read and symphasie with, then there were diasabled/crippled people begging fr money. but there was floor art with those 3D designs, and clowns, and other street peformers wich were all quite awsome, there was an art gallery and a beautiful gothic cathedral. and we went down to the riverside market wich stretched for ever along the bank, we walked for ages and i bought a ring and earring made of wood, and the ring has a hallmark (i didnt notice till a few days later)
we then travelled on towards the campsite, we had to wait a while at the town just outside the campisteuntill the leaders caught up with us, its beautiful town by the name of sayn, there was a prk with a big water fountain in which we played for a while and loads of the houses had artwork envolving butterflies on them. we then walked up the valley path alongside the river towards our campsite.

on site we had a small hut which we use as a kitchen, we put up two marguees, and built two tables, one to serve dinner to the masses, and one for eating round (it only fitted the main group) just as we started to set u[ all the scouts tents it rained and i mean rained, you would be drenched completly within a minuit and most of us were just in shorts (tops had been removed due to sun beating down on us relentlesly) but we needed the tents up before they got here so we put them up in the pouring rain and finished all the little things to do with setting up a campsite. we all slept well that night.

The first day of the camp proper:
the main contingent arrived (yay, little people[sarcasm]) within five minuits of them arriving they were already annoying but we never saw much of them, due to the fact we acsess to the kitchen, the wood cutting area and our own little square around the fire so we could just sit and tell them to bugger off in the most polite terms :p
The rest of that was free to what we liked, so we climbed to the top of one of the valley sides, collecting firewood on the way back, then we built an archway out of the leftover pioneering poles, it was aboround 12ft+ by the time we finished and we'd used an excessive amount of rope but it was the most impressive pioneering thingy on all the site :D

Next few days (i cant remember in what things happened):
... well there was more valley climbing, which is always fun especially sliding back down a few hundred meters at a time :p i know one day we went into bendorf, found a resturant, saw a film, and went back to said resturant for a meal. We went to some caves that someone had mentioned were at the end of the campsite, we took a shortcut across the railway line, the errr "disused railway line" ¬¬ one cave small and realtivly uninteresrting as you could still the light from the other end of the tunnel, but the second was really quite awsome, the fisrt passage went far enough back that you could barely see the light but then you went down the side passage and it went much further back ad it split into two more passeges which were very damp and dark, it was so dark you could see more when you closed your eyes (that being the back of your eyelids) The acoustics were really good in there aswell, so we did a barbershop harmony. We then walked back to campsite, but along through the river all the way back, we started of just crisscrossing over on rocks but soon fel in when all tried walk over a very narrow fallen tree. And, and , I found a nother cave along the way :D it wasnt far from the first two, but it looked a lot more like a cave rather than a quare cut mine shaft, the floor was covered in rubble the entrance was like eclipsed moon, i was the first to see it and the closest to it so i crouched down and went a little way in, but it got dark much quicker than the other caves as it slopped down striaght away, so i called for a light, as the rest of them were coming across the river one of them lent on the entrance way, as they did this severall rocks fell down from the ceiling, we just looked at each other and i quickly scrambelled out before i could get hit on the head. i would have loved to explore the cave but we headed straight back and i didntr have the time to go back again. We took the scouts the big safe cave but obviously i was busy looking after them. The walk back through the river was quite enjoyable really a mixture of beauty and danger that holds a fair few memorys

On the monday we went to the themepark Fantasia Land, the theme park was amazing, there were actually themes running through different areas of the park. the main street was moddeld after old berlin with a massive fountain at the end it, then we went into Africa area, were all the buildings were of a native style with actuall skulls decorating the walls, The chinese area looked amazing the buildings were fantasitic, apperantly all the roof tiles were impotered from china, oh, and in every area the people employed were made to look indignous to that area, so in the africa area all the employees were black, china area all chinese or easten origen. i dont think you coud get away with it in england but i suppose it did keep the theme really well, And then you had the rides! you had the standard type rollercoasters, there was one we thought was going to be quite boring as the safety bar was just the simple bar across your lap, but it was actually the longest one and through you about like hell, so it was fun :D
Them there was tolacan (may have splet it incorrectly) it was four long rows os seats two facing one way and two the other, this was attached to two massive arms at either end that went striaght up, they span the whole thing round but the row of seats span aswell, so when both were spinning you lost all sense of direction and where you were, and there were the massive spouts of water and the gouts of flame from which you could easily feel the heat to consider.
There was a tower ride but instead of going up slowy you suddenly shot up without warning straight to the top held for a minuit or so the dropped half way back up and then down again
There were a couple of standard water rides a logfloom and rapids, nothing much, though they were still fun :]
There were two pinballrollercoasters one was very confusing, you start by going through two sets of door into a small room, which then moves up, yes thats right theres an elevator for a rollercaoster, the scary part was that the doors were barely open before your suddenly dorpped out onto the steep drop of the track, you then go through hairpins and a giant spiral, spinning al the way, then you stop for a few secomds and without warning are dropped onto slope... sideways! and as you start to slow you feel the cart bounce, you then look behind or forward depending which direction your faing at the time to see the track bouncing up and down as if the part your on has split away and is see sawing on its support!

other events (again cannie rember what days went were)

As you should all know, the legal drinking age in germany for beer and wine is 16, being 17 means much joy. so when we ( and by we i mean a group of 16+ teenagers) went to a different campsite for night without leader presence (leaders enforce english law) we of course didnt buy a fridge full of beers, it was only one or two each but it was a nice relaxed evening, in which we spent playing i have never, in which as the game is ment, revealed everynes sexuall explotations and an array of strange things that people have done, and to my own amazement i one the respect of everyone there by being one of the most experienced there or at least the most adventurous :p afterwards a small group of us had some man talk by the fire were i explained that im not actually a manwhore (i thoght thats how id come across in the game) and they told me that they didnt think that, they just saw me as someone who was experienced, we then went to talk about our current relationships how much we missed our girls and we all seemed to be in loving relationships.
i also meditated a while by the fire to try and clear my head a bit, this amazed one of the people there which made realise how different i am from most people. This was quite something for me having through all my life having longed to be something different and then realising i am is quite a feeling, its nothing special or amaziling different, its that to the people there even ones who have already travelled to many a continent and seen a bit of the worl, they thought i was well travelled, contintenal and such forth. even my fighting skills impressed people, but i only basic things, some small amount of selfdefence type moves from martial arts, and yet i was discussing moves with people who practice martial arts. To know that people respect you and to hear them say so is something that makes you think, its certainly a strange feeling to me.

Almost every night (we were never to bed before 1) we seemed to be discussing something be it politics, religion, origins of the universe or even th emeaning of life, but some nights we simply watched the leaders getting drunk :p
oh and not all the leaders abidid by the english laws as he brought us crate of the lacal beer to share one night, which me and freind went and drank with a couple of the german leaders next door, we heard some good storys learnt some things about each other and even learnt a secret about the scouts that was created during the war and is now a tradition still carried on today and now intend to carry on :]

i learnt a lot about my self this camp.

I know this is only the beginging of my travells...

an unstructered lack of chaos

Its now wednesday, thats the fith day ive ben finished college and the fith day i have done completly shit all! it seems that i have to be very carefull not lose my momentum/motivation whatever you call it, as there are many things i couldve been doing and more things i should be doing but instead i have sat and played on games consles or watched movies = being lazy
tis not good i say, i am leaving for germany in three days and have yet to start packing, i also have to contact some peoples about the possibility of a job, i also have to keep up my physical stamina as im going to need it while im away and sitting around just makes me fat

so for the next three days im going to try and motivate my self to actually do some work, lets see how well that goes :p

should work if i give myself a goal to work for...

The mind is a maze like thing

I have an aim, a goal, but it is not my life. my life is the journey to get to there, it doesnt matter if i dont get there, but ill die for this dream even if its simple and unasuming to all of you it doesnt matter its my dream and ill fight to the death for it. So shout me down, luagh at me, fight me, i dont care i dont need your approvell, but hurt freinds, stop me from walking this path, and i wont let you, I WILL FIGHT YOU!

That is the kind of man i am, why im telling you all this i dont really know



I think people say sorry to easily, its only ment to be said as something meanigfull, to show that you regret the action you took and that these were not your intentions for this to happen, but now people say it just to make people feel better, this is wrong, do not apoligise if it was your intention for it to happen, or if it was nothing to do with you!

Not many people seem to aprecite beauty anymore, or even understand its true meaning, everything seems so dull and repeitive and just because somethings shiny doesnt mean its not dull. When i talk of something bright and shining it is beauty in its wildest from, it captures your eyes and all of your mind is in wonder, you dont just think "Ooo, thats pretty". You stare for as long as you can see it and long after its gone, and even then your mind stilll holds the image, you try to see it all but you know you never can, and youll remember it for allways, that is when something can be called Beautifull. There are two truly beatufull things to me, one is the sky, always changing its shape and colour

Death is something so many people fear, but i ask why?
we should be gratefull we have death, it is the one certainty we have in this life, so why try to change why fear it, why hate it, when its are reason for living. we live so we are not dead, dont we?
Or do we? is there a greater purpose? I dont know, but i do know what im living for, and its not death, its joy and Beauty, and a dream,And all of this is not a reason to avoid death, its a reason to live, death is something i look forward too, its a question and i like to find answers. So im going to head straight on aiming higher and higher, ill get to where i want to be, an dif i die trying? well at least i tryed :]

After death? who knows, i dont! and im not really concered with it, if i to be judged the nlet it be so, if i am to truly die, if im to be rencarnated if i am to wander for ever, let it all be so.
but the point i want to make is that it doesnt what people say will happen, its just what you beleive will happen, its a blank canvas, know one knows what it will become, and only you can paint its picture

Life is for living, so im going to conquer my fears, leap into the unkown and embrace it all with a smile on my face!

I has found mien self a university, its not top grade but then again i would never get get to grades, my courses have a BC 300 points requirement so i should be able to manage that quite well, i just need to put a little push into the maths and physics this year, but then agian we hath coursework and actuall interesting topics so it wil be much better plus my attitude has changed a lot since i started college. im hoping to study Astrophysics and computer science at Keele university. i dont quite know why but i seem to have fallen in love with the idea of going there, so it should be great fun and im truly looking forward to it.

now onto more present matters, college is... well were not realy doing much, were supossed to be doing A2 stuff, but there were only five people in maths, and half a class in computing and some of the stuff were learning is completly pointless e.g. in chemistry we are currently studying the LAST topic of A2

I went to party yesterday :] well more of smal social gathering type thing, but it was some great fun, luaghing at cat being drunk (tis quite amusing, she be lightweight) And though fun skinny dipping in an unheated outdoor pool be a tad cold :p

I has decided to grows my hair somewhat longer.

that's all for now folks ;]

spare time??

Things have been a little hectic resently what with exmas and what not, but ive finally found a spare moment do actually write something up here for once, in saying that i havent actually got much to say, exams are stressfull and time consuming and tiriing and annoying, and then theres the other extreme of fun and happy times with cat which tends to keep the balance so it all works out good in the end, anyways i must be gones now

The calm before the sea of regret

its that time of year again, when you try to find your freinds and see nuaght but piles of books and exploded heads, its exam time, a time of stress and panic or at least it should be but i am unfornatly seeing that the old saying of "time repeats itsself" is starting to come true, as when it came to revising for the GCSE's i failed and my reults werent as good as they shouldve been, and i can feel the same thing happening again, only this time it doesnt mean bad grades but a complete fail!
even knowing this i still seem to have a lack of motivation for doing the required work for top grades... and im at a loss for what to do.

On a lighter note things are going well with kitty, i smile just thinking about her, with her nothing really matters, i can be free, i can be me. you can tell me love is just chemicals just your body searching for a mate just your mind looking for company, but i dont really care, and im not going to let anything ruin this not even me, no more stupid mistakes or misunderstandings nothing wil ever part me from her.

Changing perspectives

my education is failing, it may be to do with my personality as i tend to get bored of routine, and at the moment trying to learn the same thing again and agian just isnt working, for me to be able to learn i need purpose i need not neccersellery enjoyment, but i need to like what it is im doing, or theres not really any point, i know i have to get through the boring stuff to get th ethings i want to learn but its not exactly easy. I need to change my perspective on the way i learn, its not just trying to pass an exam, its understanding all that information at such a level that you know the answer no matter what form the problem arrises, its not that your being tuaght to pass the exam but to be able to cope with the problems you'll face in life in the work you'll do. im wishing id realised this sooner. ive sat around and wasted all this time, theres no way i can regain that, but now, just maybe, i can have the determanation to do this. Its not work, just more education.

im realising more and more about myself, im social than i ever thought i would be, apperently freinds are good for you :p
ive not only had a reeducaton in my work ethics, but ive learnt what love truly is, to be able to connect with someone in such a way with such little effort to be able feel so much for one person is an unbelieveable feeling, to know and understand those feelings, to know wher they come from, to know where they lead, there is so much and reason within those feelings, i finally know what love is.

i have many dreams, some are further away then i realise, but now i can relax and now that they will come true with time, and that to ruch them would only cuase there destruction, so know i can focus on the things closer to hand, and truly enjoy the the process of learning in all aspects of my life.


I apalogise for my ramblings, they proberly dont make sense, but since when does an expresion of thought come in straight lines?



Im not th eperson i once was, but i am more myself than i have ever been and im not going to hide anymore

Is it my resolve, or just luck?

well lets see, im not sure where to start as last night ended somtime this morning, around 4 o'clock i think, but the point is i was up and awake at 9 wasted sometime doing... actually i cant remember what i did this morning o.O ah well wasnt important.
i went and spent sometime round a freinds, just a few hours of managing the subtelties of socialising really, then stood for abouts an hpur and half just talking a frein, trying to get him out of the rut he sems to have got himself stuck into, so thats always fun.
so basically this has been my chill weekend and i fully intend to get to work very soon, i dare say ill get called out by freinds, but not much you can do about that :p

so yeah not much happening here at the moment im afraid.


i realised that all i need to inspire me is simple beauty, like the sunset this evening or hundreds of tiny pieces of glitter spread across the sky that shine brighter and brighter as the sun sinks below the horizon. in keeping this realisation i will never be without its motivation, even in a dark room i will still have the memory of it. True beauty is the most wondurous treasure.

i thought i was following my heart, but instead i follwed my head. maybe if i could acually tell what i was feeling. its true what they say, thatyou dont realise what you have untill you lose it...

what do i do now?

why does my heart go silent when i need it most...

I wanna' hat -_-

Finally fixed the html, sort of :p

I interviwed some peoples today, it was somthing to for an hour, it was amusing to see thempanic, they did do quite well though and one of them managed to cope with the smart board failed, which most teachers cant seem to handle

lessons = boring
maths was just too simple, computing i finished the work abouts half hour before everybody else, nd physics id already learnt what we were doing i suppose it helped to know a bit more about it where the eqution comes from but still a rather pointless day really


its hard not too think of the confusion in my heart when i have to repeatedly walk down the couples corridor all day (theres this corridor where on every single radiator there a couple that are either snuggiling or cuddiling)

I think im going crazy!

well im finally allowed back on my blogg, stupid anti-spam program -_-

well bigest news first i suppose;
- ive decided that i need to push myself more if im ever going to achieve my dream
- 80's music is quite good actually (weird videos though)

The weekend wen by pretty unaventfully, it was quite fun at matts but Mr m was a bit of downer, he keeps getting himself down recently and uts a bit annoying as i cant seem to get him out of it :/

Mundas - i went to trade with mr tesco's this morning, everything went fine untill i went back in the after to realize id left my change at the checkout that morning D:
I went to see that ginger person, who likes to watch there hair bounce as she walks :p , after i finished college,she got poked and pushed, mwaha

memories of a bad dream.

I think theres a reason why my mind decided to block out the first three years of my life from my memory. I had a flashback type thing last night, it waas scary.

you know when get an almost primal fear, the sought that makes you stand in place or simply turn to a corner and cry, well thats the sort of feeling i had. it wasnt just what i saw that was scary it was that all the feelings of that moment came with it, for a moment i was a terrified 2 year old again.
what i saw where the warped imaginngs of a child, i was in a small space backing away from something, desperalty trying to get away but too scared to turn and run, but even in my small dark hidy hole, they tryed to get tryed to grab me and pull me away, they seemed like feersome beasts, giants with wings and claws and all manor of things that shouldnt be, it was probaerly the scariest thing a child could dream up, it frigtened me.

unforntanatly i can interprupt it due to a few facts i know.
Ive been told that i was slightly troublesm in the fact that whenether i was moved to or from a family i would simply hide in the smallest space i could find. i went between familys for three years, there at Least 18 different familys. i think what i remembered was a recuring dream i must have had, either that or thats what it felt like when they tried to move me.

It makes me wonder with all the bad feelings i get when i try to remenber something from back then, that, what other horrers has my mind simply locked away from me, is there any happyness in there?

i need to stop worying so much

i cannot run without legs

There isnt really much to say, not without sounding selfish anyway...
the thing is, i thought i was finally get my life back on track, but now ive come to a cross road and i keep wondering in circels because i have no idea of which path to take, and for some reason i feel like theres so much at stake here but i dint know why. Ive always said id be there to help, but now the time comes and im finding that theres not really a lot i can do, maybe these are things you need to get through without me, who knows, but i know im tired of having my help rejected, so im getting on with my life, im still happy to help, but its up to you to ask for it, even if its a silent request ill still understand you.

im not as strong as i used to be, so if it seems im being insensitive its because this love has brought me more tears than luaghter... and yet, i still cling to it, for the hope that theyll soon be tears of luaghter.

...

...for the first time i am truly lost for words, i doubt i could i ever truly feel your pain, but seeing things like this, makes me want to cry.

Bring it on!

Computing = D
chemistry = E
Physics = E
Maths = U

The challenge has been set, im aiming for the best and none of these are going to cut it, so lets start all over again, i said this was a new beginging so lets make it so, i might not make it but thats whats its all about, and im not going to lose, Cos now i have a desk, its not shiny and new but old broken and dented, and it will only get worse, but the scares show progress, so im going to roll up my sleeves and get to work. Ive got pen and paper and a mind thats develaping a split personality, what more do i need :]

We all like to poke

This morning was a struggle, i had planned to get the earlyer train if id managed to get out of bed, when i eventually woke up at half seven instead of six it still took me half an hour to fall out of bed, even then i misssed my train, so not a great start to the day

hm college... well my first lesson was rather pointless, we spent an hour discussing differant forms of carbon, i mean it couldve been done in 5miniuts for goodness sakes, and that was my only lesson of the day of ehich i was late for D: [oh i dont count maths workshop as a lesson as we literally just sit there talking] But all was not a loss, I auditioned for a freinds internet series, and as im the only thats auditioned for the part i should be in good sted :D

And we get are results tommorow D: time to find out how many retakes im doing :p

i sit around frustrating myself about all the tiny things, getting worked up, putting myself down, but then i remember why im acting like that, its because i cant bear to be apart from you, cant bear not to hear words for so long, but ill wait, ill wait forever for you, and its all because i love you x

new begingings

I know i dont post very often on here, but it may stop completely, ive always wanted a book of the small pocket sized awsome looking journaly type, so ima going to post a picture of it on here, as a momento to you all, for all my thoughts and ideas show from then on be held with these small book like things, and the task of activaly writing my thoughts down shall help me to process them, as typing lacks a certain charm that scruffy handwriting and doodels on the side holds.

im now taking an active role in moving to where i want to be, i had found myself in some kind of lul, almost like being in limbo, but in some form of another i have managed to escape, and am now motivated to actually start pursueing my dreams, and accomplishing my goals.

college = increased work loads, + lotsa fun memorie creating times with freinds
home is home...

life... is brilliant!

and she is the one that keeps me going through it all with a smile on my face <3

it always seems that things are relised too late, like you only notice that the thing youve been searching has been right in front of your eyes the whole time, but you only see it now, when its too late. People say the winner takes all, but im happyiest when i have nothing, to survive with the simpliest of things thats always what ive wanted too be, too do with out all this clutter in life, ive been in second place, if ive ever won something, it doesnt do me any good. i guess im just one of those people whos there too make the others look good, i think thats what the world wants me too be. But who said we should listen too the world, i may not know what i want from life, i may not know where im going, but i make this promise, more to myself than to you, but read here as witness, that i promise you that im going to achieve my dreams no matter what it takes, i have no fear of death so why should i fear the world.





.....theres just one problem...... for many years now, i havent had a dream, or if i do, i simply cant remember it for the next day :`[

So What The Hell am i ment to DO!?!

Its time to find my way again.

i found myself far from where i thought or hoped i would be, certain events led me off track, but as usaual i do not regret the past, its the past, we cant change it, only learn from it, so that is what im doing. everyone must have a purpose, even if there purpose is to not have a purpose, so i must simply find this, how i am too do it i dont really know, but ill find a way, at the moment im just following intuition, certain clues too guide me along the way

you never know what the furture might hold, but dont sit and wait for it too happen run towards to the unkown, so you may feel that you have cuase the surprise.

my candels wick is the match that did the deed of origanal ignition...

Time seems to be passing quite slowly recently, apart from not doing revision for exams i havent realy done much and it saddens me. there is much too be done and im simply wasting the time watching ancient childrens videos that noones heard of.
there is so much if i want to acomplish my dreams....