and shall you never know the secrets of which have not been spoken

For your ponderance i shall divolge to you that sacrifices must be made for that greatest of emotions, and thus i have done so.

Is this the best song in the world?

we are but simple humans, dying from the moment we are born
are purpose... :] well thats the question isnt it, know one knows, or does everyone know and so it was lost in the translation.

Life is but a choice, your life is made of them and life itself is one.
as i walk along the road i find but more questions, never truly answering the first, but does it truly matter, happyness is waking to the fact that you are alive and free to do as you please, so to me the real question is, can we truly be free in a world such as this?






Theres a secret...





right,thoughts out the way i will divuldge the mundainities of my life to those who feast upon such information

nothing much has really happened since i last posted, there was a major event that took place and made me extremly happy, and left a certain person curious as to its true nature.
i went ice skatng sunday with three couples [me being the only single one there] apart from that aspect it was quite fun :]

well hope this keeps you entertained, goodnight phantom like readers :)

happiness is the result of perseverance

i will first address the abandoment of this blogg
and apoligise to its followers [if there are any left]

my latest choices may have disapointed some people, but to be honest, if you havent taken the time to actually find the reasons behind what i do, or at least accept it, then thats your choice.

im happy. Im bringing happyness to others, and im finally getting myself together,But i cant walk into this home with a smile on my face, there is never a raised voice, but thats part of why things are so bad, it would be so much easier if they just shouted, instead of all this subtle feelings of dissapointment and anger.



I leave on monday to go somewhere i do not know, it will be a week with them. so it could be "very" fun ¬¬

i have no posesions to give, so i will sacrifice myself untoo the world instead.

I used too question too much, now I question too little

i have lost myself, and for what?
the things i have done have not given me anygreat pleasure or even knowledge, i have abanded freinds in the pursuit of what should be classed mundain, i apoligise to those that i have hurt

i used to have such good morals, now look at me.



i will once again find myself within this world of deception, i shall no longer bow to its whims.

uncertanties annoy me

i havent posted for alittle while...


a will address this issue when i dont have himework to do.

bad things = good?? :s

i should be doing physics homework now :/
i really shouldnt leave it all to the last minuit should i...

anyways, this was supposed to quite a good weekend, which i suppose it still has...
apart from my parents panicking half the family and making like a 4/5 hour drive at 10 at night becuse they thought i was dead or dying... Man they overreact some times,lets rewind a little, my parents were going to see my grandma in yorkshire for the weekend they told me not to go out as usaull but i did anyways, i went to ely with some freinds and when id just sat down to have some dinner my dad phones me, i answer after a few senconds or so the signal goes, so me being in a cant be bothered with them mood switch my phone off, this was abouts 6/7 and we enjoyed an eveining of disturbing films and hilarous wii games but at abouts half ten when were walking to the station i find out my parents are on there way home have got severall people out looking for me, contacted parents of my freinds panicked my sister into coming home from a party, all because my phone cut out on them D:

they didnt get back till lateso i went to bed, in the morning we had a little chat, i told them i didnt want to be a christian {no idea how that got brought into it lol] but instead of there being a massive argument we end up going to kingslyn to do a bit of shopping and have a pizza hut :s not the reaction i was expecting.


but onto more important things, I bought a spyglass [the little telescope type things] and its actually amazing, its got brilliant magnification, the image is crystal clear (as long as you know how to get it n focus :] ) and it looks Awsome!!

well that lasted long.....



anyways, i shall remain the optimist and simply continue forward, i only have two lessons left in which ive yet to have a proper conversation with someone lol, though its mostly work that gets discussed...
ive met new people and getting along well with a great group of people who are genrally the suaght that i could become good freinds with, so all s good there :]

And theres this guy that looks and dresses like david tennant's docter who :D
i so have to talk to him, he sometimes hangs around with the group of people i was just talking about, so all is good :]


on a slightly different subject, i have no idea what so ever about what im going to do at uni, i dont think my GCSE's are good enough for cambridge or oxford, and i have no idea what career i want to do so i dont know what courses to be looking at, idealy what i want is something in science as in physics or possibly chemistry, but i allso want to travel as in be outdoors not stuck inside, but there doesnt seem to be any careers that do this, the closest thing ive been able to find is forestry but theres not really any physics or a great amount new stuff to come up with in that field :/ so any suggestions would be much apprecited :]

quite primodial

should i worried that just moments ago i ran half way down my garden and stood staring to the horizon with thoughts of simply running through the plants and tree's like a wolf would run to its den?
but something stopped me, im not quite sure what, i felt like my mind had reverted to some beastile form and iin that moment i couldve simply ran to the wilderness and lived as our ancestors once did, but quite obviously as im writing this, i didnt do that, and now im pondering why?

most probally its the thought of abonding everyone that cares about me, but other that i dont think i have reaosn for it...

neglect.

there are some parts of my life ive been neglecting, and this should never happen, to the people that feel as though i mustve forgotten them i say sorry and hope to be forgiven, ive been focused on the destination of my life when i should simply be enjoying the journey...



its not just education that needs effort, i plan to make some ripples along this path of mine, so make sure your there to ride the waves

im not an optimist ¬¬

i can no longer be bothered to pretend im something im not in front of my parents, ill be nice and reveal things slowly, but basically i plan to be more myself around them, theyll proberly just think ive changed and start to shout at me, but maybe theyll come to terms with it all...

new things are great, id been stuck at school for too long, now its time for college, theres noone i know in any of my classes so i can only be judged on the way i look and act, and thats just fine by me, i can relax, theres a thousand new people around me, if i become hated it just gives me more time to work, if people actually like me then i can enjoy my time and have enthusiasm for my studys, so all i have to fear is failing the A levels, but as you only need 85% to get an A in a/s and that conveys to an E in A2 without any further study, i dont think im going to have any trouble.. University, hear i come :]

as the cats leg dangles from the back of the sofa

well long seems like it will be interesting, new classes, new teachers, new people, but what else can i say, its college, its a higher level of education and a more advanced social circle that prepares you for univerity or working life

personally, i am becoming more orginized already, ive started little projects like making a decrotive staff and a copper pendant. im planning ahead and am beging to see where i may actualy go in my career... its a scary thought but i think i may actually become a proffesor, proballly just for a little while...

this wil be a short post as i can feel sad things rising in my head, so i must sleep, less they will huant me so.

i woke up at 3 today, not good, but i went to an explorers meeting, and it was good to get out the house :] so know i will get myself into a routine, and get myself fit physically and mentally especially as its only three days till i start Long D:

at the moment i seem to be stuck in limbo again...

i have the ambition, and the motivation is in the post, now all i need is the effort.

*sniffs* Ahhhh... Bisto!

theres good news and bad news:

Bad news, i have abouts 5 hours of sumerwork to do before thursday, and abouts two months of revision and practice to catch up on (n) so not good


Good news, went to long road today, and succesfully enrolled in all my courses (y)
mine mutter had given me money to get the train but i got a lift last mituite instead, so i wass like ooo yay gained £6 but then we all went to subway so i spent it there lol, i didnt really get that much for my money tho :/ but i havent lost anything so cant complain lol


i seem to be growing further and further away from my parents... but to be honest when i get to envolved in there doings it just enrages me, so its probally for the best, and once i start at long ill barely ever see them lol

tis cold in hear... or maybe its beacuse im topless but still, i am going to try and watch the nightmare before christmas and then to bed :]

headphones in, parents voices out.

good music, hot choclate and the throwing of shoe's

:D good day is what i have to say, and facebook will tell you why :p



Grr.. it annoys me when my mother misundertsands what im saying or my tone of voice.



i have not stolen T's neckalce and put my sharktooth on it ¬¬




now i can stop stoppping and thinking, and simple continue to walk towards the horizon...

exam results!

German - E
R.E. - D
R.M. - C
English - C
english lit - B
Bussiness - B
Maths - B
Science - B
science - B

i.t. - A,A

well why dont you go pick up a pickupstick!

hm. pointless trip to hunstaton where we stopped for ONE hour, which most of was spent in the cafe, though it wasnt too bad i suppose, just blooody pointless, stupid grandma, doesnt matter how many of us say if she doesnt want to go somewhere, none of us do -_-


i will do a seperate post for my exam results...



i have recently come to realise that i have lost quite a few of the values that i held so dearly...
and yet i do not fell that changed
but today, in realising that, i have already begun to get them back...
i think i had lost sight of my horizon.. i had got entraced by the shiny things around me but now i turn my head to once again see the stars and to that ever moving horizon


right enough about my introspecting, or whatever you call it lol


the extra family members that have been here all week leave tomorow :]
they have not been to bad, the only ones that cuase trouble are charlotte (mine aunt, age 28) and mine grundmutter charlotte becuase she doesnt know the meaning of quite, i mean fairenough she's deaf without her hearing aids in, but still. and she is just really anoying, like you can feel her looking over your shoulder when your on the computer, she the type of person that has to tell you she's going to the toilette if your near her at the time, and like she also uses facebook on her phone like i do, so when she commented on my staus when she was sitting in the car behind i didnt really care, i was just going to comment back, but she then asks me if i got the comment, and in my head i was like WTF you weirdo, either talk to me or comment to me, dont do both, i mean she's nosy and childish [not in a funny way tho]
And my grandmother, Arrrggg :@ she constantly badmouths my grandad when he is actually quite awsome, tho he's hands are now swolen with arthrituss he has a really bad coth and genrally diteriating health, when she despite the bowl cancer, heart resets, hernier and so and so forth can still do basically everything but heavy lifting [which she wouldve never done in the first place] and walking far just sits there ordering evrybody about, not being able to interprupt what people mean, know nothing of the word subtle, and talks as loudly if not louder than charlotte, i mean she just complains about everything, she doesnt hardly ever say anything good, only when its in comparrison with someone else who did worse....
tho i enjoyed showing her my results as it puts me right at the top of the family for brains :]

luckaly as we live quite far away from her we get tret very well in comparrison to everybody else, i mean she helps everybody up there and is extremely kind and generuous at points but she's also ruining everybodys lives up there at the same time, i think my uncles kids used to spend more time at hers than his, she really doesnt let them raise there own kids.


anyway, rant over :]





while i know that i must continue to move forward, i know there are just some things i could never leave behind............
......i have only recently realised this, and now things may be harder...




i think.... more effort is recuired

consequences

i dream of action, but now i must take some, things are set into motion things i cant controll, but there are things i can effect, and decsions must be made, and like a pebble thrown into a pond, there will be ripples...

well ive been ill since i went bed last night :o
i am slightly better now...

i went to the zoo yesterday :D
iwould list all i saw but it will take to long so you can just go look at the website lol
we feed some little goat type things, and the giraffes and an elephant :D
my sister video'd two otters having sex :o
and there was there was some quite fun moments :]

But there was also the usuall arguments and frustrations
my grandma has o be in a wheelchair, so that limited where we could go and how fast
but i dont mind all that, she cant help it.
but its just my dads impatience combined with pushing her about and spilling beetroot on his shirt ment he wasnt in the best of moodsfr a little while








the day before.

errrmm we had a BBQ , wi th ostrich burgers :D
but i think that was about it lol

Thoughts on the picture please :]

inspiration comes at last

and the end of a releativley normal day, i fing myself inspired, at that moment in time i head the wind blowing in my hair, the silence of the night, and the light of the stars shiing down on me :]
i have remembered in part at least why i used to put effert into the things i do, and in doing so, i ca nonce again regain the passion i was once had


but now the saddening stuff... i have part of my dads family down for the week, my grandma and grandad, my 26 year old aunt and her boyfreind, and one of my little cousins, its going to be a week that will be reasonably injoyable as long as i can put up with all the fighting and bitching thats happening underneath all the smiles and unfortunatly i wont be able to get out the house to much cos i have to be sociable :p

and theresthe point that me and my family are trying to keep it secret that im collecting my results thursday lol, because if they knew, there would be annoying amount of attention, i mean these are the sort of people that hug and kiss you goodbye when your going to see them in a few hours anyway lol, :/ maybe i just dont feel for them that much...

anyways, could be fun, could be hell, we shall see :]

idea's come anew

i have realised many things tonight...

1. that i will never really make my parents proud, as they want me to commit to something i can never beleive in

2. music effects my brain greatly

3. having goals greatly motivates you :]

4. if dreams are to be achived, we must first complete the mudanitys of life

5. my mind is great :D

6. you just read al of the above, and are now annoyed with me saying that :p

7. I'm a freaky scene kid with a sexy smile who ran naked with a horse because I have AMAZING boobs

8. i want to be a paradox :]

all better now :D

they gave me no reasons for it happening, but they probs thought it was something id done lol, i mean a teenager who's been up for 36 hours and had been consuming alcahol is not a very convincing person lol

there was a random spike in my caffine levels so they kept asking me about enrgy drinks but id only stolen a sip of kick at abouts half six in the morning so it couldnt be that, but in the end they put it down to the fact id eaten just before i went to bed and that it was probally indigestion :/
but please tell me, since when has indigestion been a servere pain in at the bottem of your lungs that then constricts your chest so that you can barely breath? useless paramedics lol



anyways its all gone now so no worrys :]

a combanation of pain and lack of oxygen

well i did try to go to sleep but enede up having to call an ambulence as, when i got to bed, i suddenly had severe pain in my abdoman and throat, i trieed to ignore to see if it would leave me alone and let me sleep, but no. so i go downstairs, tell my parents, they phone the late night clinic and tell them, then the clinic gets a docter to phone, he says to take paracetamol, but as i get up to get it, i realise my diaphrame has decided to suddenlt shrink and almost stop me from breathing, so my parents call the ambulence, but of course, by the time they got here, Oh all syptoms and pain has gone... well apart from a small part of the pain, which is slowly getting worse, but ill just keep quite about that so i can sleep :]

so after just under fourty hours of no sleep i will attempt to sleep im my nice bed that has a brand new cover on it :]

not a post, just explanation

we are all dying, we just chooose to not pay attention to it, or pray for something etter on the other side, the point is we all die, so why live in fear of it, embrace the mments of life you have, dont sit and count down your days, enjoy them :]

awaiting a cookie...

i no longer know what i anticipate, i am having to renew all my thoughts, they come almsot the same but i feel that my mind must be rewnewd, i am different and yet the same, i still have my dreams... but now i feeel ever further from them, like i am unable to accomplish such things.

I must fall... so that i can rise

i need to let go of all this frustration and aggretion, this malice that surounds my home, and once again learn to simply enjoy myself

i must let go the concentration within my brain, so that i can see the whole image, not just that little dot

i must let go, of me so that i can see who i really am and remember and embrace that which i once loved


and i ponder if ill can find myself again, or will my actions simply speed the fall...

i think im brain dead D:

.....or maybe im just tired?

but anyway ihave a servere case of the, not being able to come up with a post, type thing lol


at them moment i find myself confoundingly confused, and yet everything going on is all quitesimply really, so why cant i find solutions to my dilemas, why can i not think ahead, i am doing everything by simply thinking about it there and then, there are a lot of things i want and need to think about... but i find myself unable to truly ponder the matters...






[] when my emotions fail me, and my brain no longer calcuates...
i simply let, my soul guide mee... []

Hello?

what tooks years to build and maintain, has been lost, but i will build it again and in half the time, i will build it better, and i will be better for it.



Now, have fun figureing out what im talking about lol

i will do a post later, but im just putting this on here atm: http://magmafirechris.blogspot.com/
this is my freinds chris's blogg, he's just started it, nd i think he could benefit from some help from all of you, so if you dont mind having a look please do :] thankyou.

im not just the fool you take me to be....

there is so much i want to say, nd yet have such a limited vocabulery to express it, Damn i need to put more effort into things. i habe become lazy in my ways, so this i will correct, along with a few other things, like my ability to be led on by others and my lack of forsight as to see what they really think of me... but i shall change my ways, im not what i once wanted to be and yet i am not knowing who i truly am, but, im going to live my plans and chase those dreams, but i cant do it alone, so im going to need your help,
if you'll agree to be there once again...

mistakes where made

why is it that you can only see things properly after you seem to have messed them up, i just wish id listened to people around me, for now i see how they were trying to help and i just plodded on blindly, destroying myself and and hurting the people around me. i just hope that people will except my apoligies. and i hope i havent messed anything up too badly...

i never wanted to hurt you...

bewilderment at the apperance of nothing

my current state, to sum it up in one word, is, confused. and i have no idea how im going to be getting out of it, unless something happenes or someone does/says something lol

but some parts of it have been explained to me by mr Tall, he has some good insight into, these sort of dilema's lol, so hopefully i will over come this state of mind and see what lays before me...

i have tried all i know and yet i still feel sick :[ not good, stupid cheap cider :@
yes i enjoyed being drunk but im not sure if i shouldve gotten drunk... i mean physicaly im alright just tired and feeling queezy lol, mentally there are other things as kinda kissing someone but, im not really shore about certain other people nd feelings that have been expressed there nd what not...

so tonight is a night of uncertinties if you will
im just hoping i can kep myself together as i know i usally react badly when i dont have a clue whats going on...





i think my parents almost realised i had been drunk today, but i managed to fob my hangovery state as tiredness lol, so it all worked out, but its weird how they jumped sttraight to that conclusion lol

things my not not turn out how i planned but do they ever lol, nd things always seem to go the unexpected route, so who knows what wil happen now? all i know is i will make the most of it and have fun along the way :]

i have been away...

i am back from my weekend away :D it wasnt to bad really, we went round the town played some games, but then i got dragged into church ]: not good. and i had to sing along and everything just so people didnt think me evill and then start praying for me cos its Soooo... annoying when they do that, and i kinda have the suspision that the reaosn my parents wanted me to come and visit these people was so i had no excuse to not go to church D':

anyway, we then went to this marsh/island/beach thing which was quite cool, we went with a whole group of people and played lotsa games like frenchcricket nd frissbee which was quite fun actually :] and then we went for a walk along the beach, nd me n my dad had the usaull stone skimming competition, and i won :D i got it to skim seven times :] and then we came of the beach via climbing up an unstabble cliff :p
O, there was some of the old concrete bunkers there as well, one was fully in tact nd you could go inside nd evrything :]

so yeah thats been my weekend lol, Ow, stupid laptop just fell onto my neck lol




nd ooo. manhunt tuesday :] which sould be fun :p
i just have to find something to do monday, well today actaually but thats not the point lol






im quite looking forward to things now, not long till we get our GCSE results back :] and only a couple more weeks left before long :] but i really need to get the summerwork done lol

space to think

although ihavent really done anything its not been to bad, i mean i funaly got some descent speakers set up with my hi-fi and there not taking up all the space on my unit lol, and i actually made a start on that pesky summerwork lol, and my perents are decorating the downstairs so that means there distracted and i dnt get any hassel from them :] especially as ive stolen my dads old laptop, so i can sit upstairs :] and dnt have to wrry about people looking over my shoulder at what i write lol, and it seems like ive only got good times to look forward to :p

so even tho i have to go away with my parents this weekend, and my grandparents are down here for the last week of the holidays im not going to mope or give people reason to question my usaull happy manner, im going to be the happy and enjoy all that comes my way, and no longer let any oppurtunitys pass me bye, so heres to smiling :p

Moving on

one sleepless night, and then im smiling and ok

is it bad to be able to move on that quickly, well i say quickly it wasnt really the best of nights, but im awake to day without any sleep, so now i sit and wonder what couldve been, but i wont let it stop me, part of our development as people is getting through the sad moments, but its always worth it :]

So ill say im gratefull i met you smiley guitar girl, we had a good run, and i hope we can still be freinds, [i hate ending on difficult terms :(


But i can walk away with a smile on my face knowing it was Fun :]

緑色の渦に3つの鶏

私は単に私とあなたを困ら 私は本当にこの記事を楽しませるつもりが全く分かっていないことについて日本語で書いていますが、昨日の出来事かもしれないのですか？今日のだろうか、何が起こるのか

私には絵文字では、ギターの女の子が好きで終わる必要があると思うことは彼女をより頻繁に...

my soul, is set free today

[this may be the moment to state that i sometimes take the smallest events as representations of more important things, and this will be a great example of that]


Today, my necklace broke.
This may seem mundain as i have other necklaces, but i basically never wear them, and i think ive gone about eight months without taking this one off before and i wear it almost everyday, and its been every wear with me, so physically speaking its quite reasnable for it to break, i would explain the origins of this necklace but i dont know them, i simply found it in my room one day, and another detail is that the neckalce itself didnt break just the string that holds it in place.

Today, my confidence reteruned.
I had the spring in step, and the boldness that i had when i first began to walk with my head held high, in a way you could sa its like shedding an old skin, tho the last few months have had there ups and downs they have still been great :D and i think whats happened is that those experinces have taken there tol physically, they have been invigorating me mentaly. so that physically i fall apart but mentally and spiraturly i am better than ever.

[side note] {physically - necklace string breaks, and i was falling apart, menatall - tooth nd colours survive, i am stronger in myself}

maybe ann odd comparison but who reallly cares lol, i feel better then ever and i think that smiley guitar girl needs to noted for doing this to me :] like ive told her before she helps me more than she realises and hopefully she will see the results :]

I have awoken from my slumber, now hear me roar :p

New things, new places

i finally have a new project, or more we have a new project :]
i cant specify details here as its location is secret...... althogh many people probally know aout it lol, but i wonder how many people have actually been there *pondering face*

I am dreading the day i meet the farther :[ as i do not know if i willbe able to contain myself, for her sake, i will try my hardest, but they have hurt her so much, and they should do nothing but love her.... i dont know how she gets throuh it, it just shows how strong she she really is :]
[sorry ive been refering to you as her smiley guitar girl] :)





my parents have yet again bugged me about going to church..... when will i tell them i no longer call myself a christian , i have renounced my faith and yet it wont let go of me, I will not get dragged back because of guilt, I Will Not!

the perspective of others...

How coem other people seem to be able to find your problems so easy and simple and yet you can sit there for hours not knowing what to do, then you your friend just comes aong with the simplest idea and it seem sto solve everything....

well i think i was just a bit deppresed earier so ignore the earlier post lol

all is fine and well...... i hope ;]

Like a leaf in the air, i feel that drifting feeling....

There are things i want to say things i want to do but i cant exatcly do anything on her lol, and im unsure if i can say what i want to on here.....

[ so i will put a simple message, some who have known me may understand or may not]



For i am in fear of there being a recurence in has once happened.... and i know that if such a thing were to happen, it would leave me broken :'[

How i see forward by looking at the mirror behind me.

I am seeming to be happier now as i will be seeing smiley-Guitar girl soon :]
so that gives me a definite happy thingy to look forward to :]

the title of this post i think is just to try and confuse you all :p unless my subconscience is trying to tell me something, but i highly doubt that as i think it has gone to sleep at this moment in time, as should i :p


I think you can tell im happier just by the amount of emotes im using lol :D

things seem to be looking up now, so maybe now i can make a start on the summerwork i was supposed to be doing months ago lol




I wonder what the future holds?

why am i not listening to music?

that is a very good question acyually, and is soon to be solved :]

But an even better question is why do i have an obession with trying further my knowledge of the workings of me? i mean why do i have to understand myself so much? why cant i simply accept that i am who i am without all the questioning?

Although one thing ive seen vaguely explained this compulsion [i was doing a quiz type thing about your person type and such, was quite helpufull] The Type of person it said me to be also said that these types of people tend to do a lot of self discovery (just in much better terms lol)(i suck at explaining things)

Maybe one day ill find an answer that satisfys me :]

when my supper's turned to breakfast.

Right to explain this title i must first state that i was having a bowl of cereal for my supper, which is the same thing as i have for breakfast, and i then saw that it was past midnight so i had the thought that technacily it should be classed as breakfast not supper, so that also brings about the idea that i will most likely have to breakfasts today :]

At the moment ive been having some really weird feelings, mainly cos this is the longest ive been without seeing smiley-guitar-girl, who isnt so smiley at the moment wich is also worrying :[ and i must find a way to cope with the idea of not being able to see her for several more days yet, and i wonder what im supposed to do while she is stuck where she doesnt want to be, how can i enjoy myself wile i know she may be sad:[

But i managed to enjoy myself the otherday, it was quite fun :], but now i dont know if its fair for me to enjoy myself while she is stuck there...
and should i resort to alchahol to keep my mind from pondering this problem, probally not, but it doesnt mean i wont :[

i dont really know what im thinking, and i dont wanna know if its bad or not, to be honest i just cant wait to see her standing there, smiling at me again :]

Contemplation of Motivation

I find myself, smiling. i think i have somehow took a step forward, made progress, or something, because i fell happier in myself, and have more motivation to actually go and do something rather than just sit around the whole time, i realise that if i want to achieve my ideas then i need to actually put some effert in. I may not be particualy fond of my parents at the moment but i need to simply put up with it. And although if i fail my education and all, i know i could lead a very comfartable life, it doesnt mean i should just sit back and let myself fail now does it. So i will no longer just sit here and do nothing, that i promise you :]

ROWR!!!! :@

HE FUCKING PISSES ME OFF OKAY?

[sorry for language, needed to express anger]

When i can see the relfection my computer

Im not really sure what this post is gong to be about so be warned lol

i often find myself contemplating about many things, right now its why i turn my music down low enough that i know my parents cant hear it, and i know its not just so i dont wake them because its only when i think there awake that i do so.

i have some ideas for the reasons for this:
1. i fear that thelyrics to the music that i love so much may reveal the real me to my parents[as i have no idea how much they really know me]

2. they may some how find the music offence, they are unintelligent christians, so it may happen

3. maybe im scared of disapointing or hurting them - i dont know ]:




Ok, so maybe i have some issues with my parents at the moment, but then again What teenager doesnt?

The ignition of anger

i think we all have one little thing that sets us of, that one thing that nags and irratates every nerve.

well unfortanutly mine is the one thing i can not avoid with out causing excessive pain, This one irration in particular is miener Vater, I dont exactly know why he effects me so, but some days every word he says makes me want to punch him.

I realise how bad this is, and luckly i have had enoughe controll to stop myself so far, how long it can last i do not know. I think that some of the reason may be that my mind keeps throwing the fact he's not actually my farther at me, even tho ive known this practially my whole life, But he might aswell be my farther, i mean he has raised me, tuaght me, inspired me and so on, so why can i no longer accept him as that.

This may result in me leaving Home sooner then my parents think, especially as dont wont to hurt them any more then i have to [they are very clingy people] This may just sort itself out in time, but im not going to rely on that hope...

Some people believe in them selves with such ferocity that they promise people there going to become celebrities, but they just destroy themselves trying, but if they do make it, they wont have any of there friends remaining :[

I admit I do want to be someone great and be remembered, but not like that, the kind of acknowledgment I want is when your recognized by one out of million people they would just say hey weren’t you that guy who… that would be nice or to remembered for the most insignificant event , how ever it happens, I wish for people to remember me for me not some celebrity made by the whims of fashion and society.

Why I wish to be remembered, well don’t we all? I guess it would be nice, I don’t think I really need it to happen, but it’s the kind of eternity I view as real :] If the world simply forgets me after im gone, or never knows of me in the first place, then well, who cares, i sure dont.
i will know how i lived my life and is that not enough?

Reasons.

Every action has a reaction, this is what philosophers say , but what they don’t see is the configurations of reasons for that action.

Today I found out one of those reasons for your actions, (a past participle of you), the tears that fell from your eyes showed me why you fear the things you find fearful, tho I know that one thing can not be the only reason behind a person, it can be a linking piece that puts all previous thought together, so now I almost clearly see the reasons of you :] and I find myself admiring the strength of you for pulling through.

the mentality of me

at the moment i seem to be finding myself struggling with several things:

1. the reasons behind my adoption
2. anger and depression (caused by above)
[this is not the whole list]

i will start at the beginging as it helps to explain the rest, untill abouts four/five months ago i had dthought that i was put up for adoption as baby because my birth parents were afraid theyd be unable to raise me (financial reasons) and that id shifted between abouts three foster parents in the span of three years, which is easy to except when youve "known" for all of the memory of your life, But it would seem that as have most adopted children, i had been lied to, serverly. The true story is that my uncle informed social services that his newborn grandchild was sleeping on a blancket on the floor, and is being sorely neglected, once the services had collected me and put me up for adoption i went between at least 18 diferent foster parents in three years, not three. The reason i had been shifted between so many is because no one could keep me, as in every new home i would find a small dark space and crawl into and Not come out. as such that was much the cycle of the first three yaers of my life, in the years of my life i would not renember i had lived in more homes then a whole family is in there life span. This had dramatic effects on me, iwas underdevolped physically, mentally and socially, at the age of three i may as well have still been a baby. after that i was then raised by a loving christian family ( a family om now falling away from, but thatt is for another time)

when i try and renember any of this, there is nothing, no imagery, sound, smells nothing, apart from that is a great feeling of hopelessness, despair, fear (well enough sad emotions to make a grown man commit suicicide) these depressing emoitions have driven to the point of suicide at times, somehow i always pull through. this is just one of the scars mychildhood has left me, fortanutly some are healing over. To start with i used to have absolutly no confidence in myself, my ablitys, or my social skills in particualar. this was all solved by the simple act of being myself, i decided at the end of year that i was going to come back as me, and i did, it had been a life changing summer and i came back transformed.... partially. that is when i met Kym, or mor ethat she realised who i was lol, i wont bore you with more details, when started going out she drew me into her freinds circle [keeping in mind how low my social skills where] and so from fear of disapointing her i forced myself to put on a freindly face, and eventually my confidence grew and was becoming more and more socially adept, the only problem was the huge knowledge gap, but i soon caught up :p me and kym simply became close freinds. life continued, events happened [awrkwerdnesses passed :p] Then Gcse's came, and like a moth to flame did they come. and through the storm came a nervous whisper that calmed all of this storm and captivated me, was it possible, had love come tapping upon my shoulder. a day of strolling the lands together and we were together :] and i had done the asking. Time passed by and things seemeed to get and better, but they say good things never last, and this moment came a crashing down on me, i had let myself fall prone to having too much on hand, and mind. my thoughts it seemed had got to many and were a calling my attention to that patch of black memory residing in my mind, and so here came the depresion, or so i thought, this time it seemed the darkness was filled with the rage that had secretly consumed me as a child, and now it wanted to be free, and it almost got its wish had i not in early years learnt to control my anger, although i did have to resort to hitting the wall ;p But the point it is the whole thing had shook me a bit and i got quite down but a session of x-box round toms at 1 in the morning soon sorted that out. so the emotions are dealt with for now, but at the back of mind i know it the problem needs to be addressed, ive just got work out how to do that, especially when i still dont have all the peices of the puzzle. This may take my whole life to sort out fully, but hopefully with the support of freinds i will get there :]

first thoughts ;]

what you dont realise is that the childhood i cant renember is slowy eating me away and all i can do is try and run from me, but there you stand afraid of a fly but standing tall and proud smiling before me as if theres nothing to fear, maybe its becuase you do not realise the danger in front of you or maybe its just i dont realise there is kindness in my heart and it has taken the amazingness of you to peirce the shrouds of darkness that shroud my very soul.

you do help me x